I was recently diagnosed with premature ovarian failure AKA…Early Menopause.
At the time of diagnosis I was 37, so it is around 7 years too early for the menopause by ‘normal’ standards.
There are many tracks I could go down in this blog, like the treatment I received from various medical establishments; the emotional roller-coaster I went through (and to an extent, am still going through) during testing, diagnosis, and beyond…I am sure that I will cover these subjects in later blogs. Right now I want to focus on the Childless Vs Child-free ‘debate’ that I am witnessing in various blogs and newspaper articles.
There are so many reasons why women do not have children, by choice or not. Some actively choose not to have children for whatever reasons; some realised late that they wanted to have children, but their bodies have already stopped producing eggs; some wanted children all along, but the work/life balance wasn’t exactly in their favour, so they ultimately missed out; and others can not have children due to medical conditions / treatments such as chemotherapy for example.
In the blogs that I have been reading, I have noticed a divide appearing between these groups of women. I know that we all have different experiences relating the fact that we do not have children, and I can see the benefit in women with similar experiences grouping together. However, I would urge caution that we do not create a negative division between women. It kind of reminds me of the Brass Eye show (for those of you in the UK who can remember this show), which satirised the division between ‘good AIDS and bad AIDS’ (and no, I am not comparing women without children with people who live with HIV or AIDS or vice versa, so pls don’t lynch me)…
Women have enough pressure to conform to society’s [many] norms, and goodness knows, discovering that I cannot have children has certainly made me re-evaluate myself and my relationship to these norms, particularly in my line of work, in which I work with communities where motherhood is highly valued and you are certainly not perceived as a grown woman, nor qualified to have an opinion on child welfare if you do not have a child yourself.
Neither is superior. It’s ok to choose not to have children, but we need to recognise and appreciate that even by making this choice, women often become subjected to certain pressures and judgements. It’s not all a bed of child-free, carefree roses. And women who through no choice of their own have found themselves unable to have children have their own sensitivities…We should stand together, as women, united, not divided.
Have you or someone you know experienced a similar issue? I would love to hear your opinions. Please keep in mind that this is a personal blog; I am not an expert on this issue, and am simply expressing a personal point of view.
Hi Missy
ReplyDeleteI think you've hit on a rich topic here! I agree that creating a 'divide' between the 'childless' and 'childfree' is not desirable... however, I think it is understandable. The difference in emotional tone between someone who has NEVER wanted children, and has built their life around that knowledge (childfree) and someone who wanted children and, for a reason mostly out of their control, couldn't have them (childless) is profoundly different.
However I, like you, think we have more in common than not. Whereas we childless women will, if asked, get some sympathy from parents for our involuntary childlessness, some parents feel 'threatened' by a chosen childfree way of life, as if it's a comment on their choice.
What I do think though is that the path that childfree women walk is an inspirational one for childless women. Many childfree women (not all) love children, they just never wanted to be mothers, and many work in caring professions, are wonderful aunts and very nurturing people. This is something that can be harder for childless women to embrace, because that soft, nurturing side of them also contains the kernel of loss that they will never be able to give this part of them to their own child.
In time, however, I think an accommodation can be made, and both chosen and unchosen not-mothers have a great deal in common.
Gateway Women, the organisation I set up for support, inspire and empower childless women is, naturally, more focused on supporting the involuntarily childless, but we are open and welcoming to any woman who lives in our pro-natalist society without being a mother, and who wants the companionship of support of fellow souls.
I have found that writing my blog and sharing my experiences with other childless women, and the new friends that I have made along the way, has helped me move through my grief and embrace what is, in effect a joyfully (unchosen) childfree life.
Full of contradictions, I know. But that's life!
Jody Day
Founder, Gateway Women
http://www.gateway-women.com
A beautifully written and expressed blog entry regarding a subject that will touch a nerve with every woman. Becoming a mother is a wonderful thing indeed, but there are so many ways to leave your mark on the world besides this. You have chosen to share your gift by helping other's children, the ultimate unselfish act. I say this because I believe sometimes women's motives for having babies can be selfish.
ReplyDeleteI have children myself, I was lucky enough to fulfil a deep desire I had for them, but not after a painful obstetric history, where for years I considered myself likely to be childless. I did get plenty of sympathy, which of course as you point out, is not always the case for those who choose not to procreate.
I very much enjoyed reading your blog Missy, thank you for sharing your insights xx Suzy C
I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis, and hope you're doing okay.
ReplyDeleteI think this divide between childless/ chidfree is both a little dangerous and unrealistic. Because there are some people who have very strong feelings on the matter - women desperate for children and others who couldn't think of anything worse - there's the assumption that *all* women feel very very strongly about whether they want or ever wanted to have children.
We don't have this expectation of men. If a man thought he'd like to have kids one day but never did, we don't assume that his life has been ruined. If a man hadn't ever imagined himself as a father but became a father anyway, we don't imagine he has succumbed to a pressure which will make both him and his children unhappy.
Of course, we also fail to recognise the pain of men who, like some women, really really really want to be fathers, and find they can't.
However, I think most men and women are somewhere in between. I don't feel able to have children because of my health, but I can't really say what I would like to do if I had good health and the choice was there. I think maybe not, but then again maybe, depending on circumstance, relationship and so on. The lack of choice upsets me a little (mostly because I've sometimes been very afraid that I might get pregnant and have to have an abortion).
However, I am sometimes quite offended by the occasional article which suggests that without children, my life has no meaning. This is a particularly awful example, especially where she talks about auntihood. Regardless of whether I would have ever wanted children of my own, being an auntie is both a lot of fun and a very important role.
I think this is such an important subject and one that there are no easy answers for. I starting going through the menopause in my late thirties and coming to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to have children has been a slow process, as has adjusting to having gone through the menopause much earlier than I expected and all of the emotions that it bought with it, some very surprising feelings such as how my fertility was clearly attached to my sense of worth and femininity, I never knew that until suddenly my fertility was gone. I also work with different groups of women, some going through fertility treatment and some having babies and I'm constantly struck by how far apart these groups of women seem to become and I wish we could open up the dialogue. I partly started to realise this because I couldn't find a camp for myself, I didn't fit in with women trying to have children because I hadn't got as far as trying, and I didn't feel able to vocalise the grief, anger and sadness that came with that. Although I did have all those feelings. I didn't fit in with women who had children and felt like a spectator and I didn't fit in with the majority of menopausal women despite dealing with hot flushes insomnia and the range of symptoms that came with it. I didn't fit in with women who had never wanted children, because I had thought I did, although I did and do find this the easiest group to be with. I much prefer childfree to childless even though I am childless. I want to feel empowered not lacking. But I don't want to downplay the emotions. And it would be so good if there was some place for shared understanding between women living different lives. I think places like this are a good start. Not a forum for just one group but for all groups.
ReplyDelete